the "me" project
i'm not really sure what my exact purpose is in writing myself out like what is in my head now. even the former sentence makes no sense. and i have nothing better to call this. project or experiment are neither good words. opening up to the world is also a poor description--not to mention never being an objective. if by chance you're reading this, and you know me, then this is one of those weird "russ" things that can't be explained. if you don't know me, then let's just say i'm a unique individual and you wouldn't understand. i don't understand myself. but i guess this writing could be somewhat of a checklist or reality check for myself. by getting things out of my head and onto "paper", i can really see if my personality and values ever change. by values, i mean the deep down core values. perhaps this is even some way for me to express who i am for reference when the rains come. then i can have something tangible to jolt me back into reality and out of any self pity or troubles i'm having. this may simply take on the form of what i like, what is dear to my heart, and what i believe. maybe it will be more, maybe less. so where do i begin? there is no need for me to make promises or offer any extra assurances when saying i will do something. i believe a man should be a man of his word and never have a need for those extra promises. as Christ put it "let your yes be yes and your no be no." if i say i will do something, it will be done. if i truly am a man of my word, then i will be forced to examine myself and the task at hand so that i don't say i'll do something i can't and consequently go back on my word. are the traits we look for in a companion simply the traits we lack or the traits we know deep down that needs enhancing in our own life? i love sitting on the patio during thunderstorms. there's just something about watching the rain fall and the lightning flash. the pitter-patter of rain is one of the most soothing sounds nature makes. nature seems at ease during this "refreshment" stage. maybe i'm sharing in that refreshment with nature. is there anything greater than sweet tarts candy? nothing brings a smile to my face quicker than a bag of sweet tarts. when i think about people, there is no such thing as race. we're all just humans. i only see a human being that either wants to help themself or one that is simply looking for the free ride and handouts in life. i have no respect for the latter, but will give my right arm to help the former. why do we look at each other with judgement and disdain? a black man can look at me and think i'm weird. but in my mind, i may think he is weird. we're both on equal footing. so what gives either of us a right to feel like one of us is better than the other? sure we are raised differently and will have different values on some things. but does that make us better than anyone? no. will we ever get to the point when we are just humans and not black and white? no, we never will. people don't want to move that far because we, as humans, want to feel we have some worth. unfortunately, that worth is often determined by placing a higher value on ourself. and by doing that, we place a higher value on those people of our race in an effort to somehow make our value legitimate. i love southern cooking and sweet tea. there's nothing like sitting down to a big dining table and throwing together some cornbread topped with pinto beans and then topped with stewed potatoes. i wish i could be a great southern cook like my grandmother was. that would be the one tribute or legacy i would like to pass along to future generations. i like being able to sit around and be lazy. but i also like to keep myself busy with new activities. i would love to learn several things: playing the guitar, a foreign language or two, how to give massages, some things about computers, more things about working on cars, expand my vocabulary, how to make the best bar-b-q, learn greek and hebrew to really learn and study the Bible, learn more about u.s. history and our presidents, etc. i'm very easy going and laid back, but have very deep beliefs that i will defend. i know what truth is and know when i'm veering away from it. i love discussing things with people to learn more about their view points and how they arrived at them. that also provides me with a chance to gain perspective on my thoughts. we're all raised differently and we all have different views on topics. forcing my thoughts on someone isn't right. working together is. friends are one of the most precious gifts we have as humans. we all have a family, but we may not always know our parents. however, we know our friends and they grow up with us. we share in each other's life. and loyal friends are the ones to hold the dearest. in the words of mark twain "the proper office of a friend is to side with you when you're wrong. anyone will side with you when you're right." within a friendship, loyalty, trust, frankness, support, and honesty are all at the heart of a good friend and a long friendship. isn't it fun to roll the windows down on a spring afternon and ride around listening to some music from your childhood? nothing can make me drive faster than "pour some sugar on me" or "paradise city" blaring through the speakers. yes, i'm that guy. even at night, it's still great to ride around and let the crispness of the air invigorate you. so many memories can return on that cool night breeze. i know who i am and i know my limits. i do not have to pretend to be someone i'm not because i know i can't be anyone other than myself. that's why i'm me and no one is else me. thankfully for the rest of the world, no one has the same injections of weirdness in them like i do. but it makes life interesting for those around me. they just laugh and shake their heads as they mutter "that's russ." but am i really that different? no, i think i'm the only one that's normal and everyone else is weird. i have such a bad memory with some things. for some reason i can remember birthdays with a scary ease. but names and stories i tell are gone in a second. that's why i could never be a good liar. i would get caught in my lies so easily because i couldn't remember what i had said. now i have the ability to look someone straight in the face and tell a lie, but it does me no good. the only time it does me any good is when setting up a prank that will be exposed momentarily. even if i could remember lies, i wouldn't lie to someone. i don't want anything less than the truth given to me and so i shouldn't give people anything less than what i want. i'm not a confrontational person, but i wholeheartedly believe conflict should be met head on. it's so much easier to resolve something on the front end before tensions get high and feelings get hurt. the analogy of diffusing a bomb is dead on with what i think. rarely, if ever, do i get upset or angry. i can't recall a time that i have "just lost it." if there is a fight or argument, i'm usually over it in a matter of minutes. especially if it is resolved on the front end. there's no use in dwelling on disputes and fights. |