Written/last edited on 11-23-08

i think i have finally realized the road ahead of me. i know that i am a nightmare of traits and thoughts. as a result, i'm realizing that it may very well be my purpose to carry these fallacies to the grave with me and not perpetuate them among humanity. by remaining an island unto myself, i can hopefully show what few positive qualities i may have while keeping the dark side of my personality to myself. perhaps that is why i am a good set up man. those relationships i've had ended with the next relationship for them being the one. i am so dark and harmful that anyone was a better alternative than me. it is probably best for me to bear this cross alone and spare everyone the damage.

Written/last edited on 11-20-08

thoughts. so frustrating sometimes. hard to express. constantly intermingled with others. spastic. worthless? perpetuating self righteousness? result of idealism?

Written/last edited on 10-30-08

empty

Written/last edited on 10-02-08

time heals all wounds. or so the saying goes.

but does it?

given my own life's story and considering that adage, i think it may be somewhat misguided. time may heal the wound, but the scar remains and is visible forever. as i look at what has happened with me after a wounding moment, i admit that the wound appears to have healed from a physical perspective (how friends perceive me to act and feel). but from a personal and emotional sense, i realize that time has only developed, or further developed, self defense mechanisms rather than healing me. basically, as time passes, it becomes easier to appear ok to others while in reality the wounds are still fresh.

Written/last edited on 10-30-08

what are you supposed to do in your daily life when you feel empty and dead inside? everything feels phony and i feel that i'm merely here occupying space and oxygen. there are no reasons for anything under the sun. do you continue waking up each morning knowing that your day will be filled with emptiness and meaningless feelings? what can we run to for a physical touch of fulfillment? i know where the spiritual fulfillment is and know that it is always there. but what about the immediate physical desires and longings? are we left out in the cold to shiver unto ourselves? is meaninglessness and hopelessness our destiny?